The Ispace Wars
by Huinesoron
Summary: Sequel to OFUDisc. The Interdimensional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves is back with a vengeance. Their goal is to protect the elves of the multiverse - all the elves - and they don't care who gets in their way. It looks like everyone is in for a rough time...
1. Prologue: OFUU

The Administrator closed his laptop with a click and turned to face his last three students. "That's everyone else home," he announced. "PPCers to HQ, everyone else to the Real World. All vampires successfully de-vamped, everyone turned back to human – even Traveler is no longer a box. Everyone except you three." He grimaced and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I can't say I'm happy about this."

"I never imagined you would be," Iplis said softly. "But I'm not going back."

"And I'm not leaving if _she's_ still here," Cazzie added, glowering at the vampire. "You can't trust her."

"And I can trust you? You're a fangirl too," the Administrator pointed out. He raised a hand at Cazzie's protest. "All right. I've allowed you to stay – both of you – because you were closest to Liliac and our Death of Fangirls." He glanced at the third fangirl. "You, on the other hand, are here for the effect you have on Ispace. But all of you are only staying because you could be useful – not because I like you."

"Being liked went out of the window for me last night," Iplis observed. "I'll help you."

"Yes, you will." The Administrator shook his head. "So here we are. I suppose you have questions."

"A few, yes," Cazzie admitted, glancing at her companions. "So Penny was right? We _are_ in a story?"

"Well, yes and no," the Administrator replied. "Yes, you were written in, which is why things got a bit confusing. Sorry about that, by the way."

Cazzie shrugged. "It didn't affect me."

"Oh, yes, the OFUM misfile... well. You were all written in, yes, but what you _did_ wasn't written. That was all you. But... that's why the distances were messed up – why you never saw the other classes – why you were all girls, actually."

"I can't say I objected to that," Iplis murmured, smiling faintly. Cazzie glared at her again, and she fell silent.

"I guess you've answered my second question already," Cazzie went on as if Iplis had never spoken, "which was if we were being mind-controlled. So… Liliac. She seemed to know you."

The Administrator sighed. "Ispace... they didn't used to be like this, you know. They were founded by Glorfindel – you know, the elf? – and used to spend their time keeping fangirls away from Tolkien elves. This whole 'everything called an elf must be protected from everything else'... I don't know where that came from."

"And you were a member?" Iplis asked. Cazzie glowered at her, and then shrugged slightly.

"All right, I admit it, I was about to ask the same thing..."

The Administrator laughed aloud. "Stars, no! I was a sort of vigilante. At the time, you see, Legolas was in the business of throwing pancakes at people, and-"

"Wait, wait." Cazzie shook her head. "Pancakes? Like... milk and flour in a frying pan?"

"That's the one," the Administrator confirmed. "It's a long story. But he had this group of fangirls who used to help him out, bake his pancakes, that sort of thing."

Iplis laughed, and even Cazzie couldn't keep from grinning. "Sorry – is that meant to be innuendo?"

"Surprisingly, no." The Administrator smirked. "Not that they would have minded… anyway, I helped _them_ out on occasion, and a handful of them joined Ispace… I was at the Battle of Erebor, when the PPC and Ispace stood together against the fangirl onslaught. Times have changed." He shook his head slowly. "So yes. Liliac knows me as Huinesoron. I was hoping she wouldn't recognise me as 'the Administrator', but no such luck."

"Okay, that's... kind of a lot to take on board," Cazzie admitted. "One more question – what do we do now?"

"Now that you've successfully forced your continued presence on me for the duration, you mean?" The Administrator shook his head. "We organise. Like I said, I know Liliac – she's not going to stop at closing OFUDisc."

Cazzie's eyes widened. "OFUM!"

"And HFA, and... everyone," the Administrator agreed.

Cazzie shook her head slowly. "I would say I was confident Miss Cam could hold her own, especially with the mini-Balrogs on hand… but I'd be lying. I've seen what Liliac's got to work with."

"And if the Headmistress can't stand up to Ispace, who can?" the Administrator said. Cazzie gave him an odd look, but said nothing.

"So we warn them," Iplis said firmly. "We combine forces so _nothing_ can get through – get ourselves time to think."

"We've already made some steps in that direction," the Administrator admitted. "It's sort of a secret, because we're still in the early stages, but we've started an Official Fanfiction University of OFUs. My peers – the Course Coordinators – are the staff, so it's definitely opened communication links between the Fanfiction Universities."

"And Miss Cam's the Head," Cazzie nodded. "That makes sense, given, you know, precedent. When you said 'Headmistress' I thought you meant of _OFUDisc_, which was weird, because that should be-"

"Let's not get into that," the Administrator said hastily. "It's a bit... well. The important thing is that we need to contact the rest of OFU-Squared as soon as possible."

"And then what?" Iplis demanded. "You've seen their wormholes – they can strike _anywhere_. Even with help, how long can we defend against that?"

Cazzie looked at her curiously. "You're scared?"

"No, I-" Iplis paused and sighed. "Yes. Terrified. Shouldn't I be?"

"Maybe," Cazzie admitted. "And it's a good question – what do we do when we've got the defences up?"

"We take the fight to them," the Administrator declared. "I know where to find Ispace Mountain. Once we've got a big enough army – of minis and canons – we go and knock on Liliac's front door!"

Silence. Then the third student raised her hand.

"Um, question," Lindyellwen said uncertainly. "Does this mean I don't get to see Verence again?"

* * *

**Disclaimer:** All references to canons belong to their respective creators. The OFU concept was created by Miss Cam; all OFUs are the property of their respective authors. Cazzie, Iplis, and Lindyellwen are based on applications to OFUDisc. OFUDisc and Ispace are my own creations. All details of the plot are my own.

**Author's Note:** So here we are again. It's always such a pleasure! Ahem. Welcome to _The Ispace Wars_. This story is a sequel to _The Official Fanfiction University of Discworld_, which can be found on my profile and should probably be read first (though a summary is attached below). It also constitutes a crossover/tie-in with the _Protectors of the Plot Continuum_ shared universe; a brief description of the PPC, and links for more information, can be found on the OFUDisc Files blog, linked from my profile. _The Ispace Wars_ will take place across the multiverse, but fairly large chunks of it will be in Middle-earth - hence its being placed in the _Lord of the Rings_ category.

So here we go. Hold tight - it's going to be quite a ride!

**OFUDisc:** The Official Fanfiction University of Discworld was founded twice, eight years apart. At its second founding, the students from the first were written in by the Administrator - but they were written in as they had been nearly a decade before. As the girls attempted to resolve their confusion over exactly how old they were, they faced off against their own vampiric co-students - including one Iplis, who successfully seduced Agent Penny of the PPC - and against Ispace, the Interdimensional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves.

Ispace had a goal: to stop people abusing fictional elves at all costs. Whether those elves were canon characters, OFU students, or Mary-Sues, didn't matter - and ultimately, Ispace launched a full-on attack on OFUDisc. They were driven off, but took one of the students with them - Phoebe, the Death of Fangirls. Phoebe had been friends with Liliac, the Ispace infiltrator, and with Cazzie - but especially with Penny, who now returned to the PPC...


	2. Prologue: PPC

Penny glared across the desk at the gigantic yellow sunflower in his pinstriped suit. "You're not listening to me, sir," she grated. "Ispace is a threat to-"

_To a small group of fangirls, yes, you've stated this several times,_ the Sunflower Official, Head of the PPC's Department of Mary-Sues, cut her off. _Now, Agent- I beg your pardon, _Assassin_ Smith, allow me to point out some facts you may not be aware of._

_The PPC is not, in fact, some sort of multiverse police force. Our remit is badfic – no more, and certainly no less. Are you claiming that an Official Fanfiction University is badfic? Or this Ispace?_

"No," Penny ground out, "but they-"

_I mean, can you imagine how Jurisfiction would react? Or the Fairytale Police Department? The canonical Trans-Dimensional Organisations are already half-convinced we're a bunch of vigilantes out to poach their jobs._

"But we take down the Mary-Sue Factories!" Penny exclaimed, almost desperate now. "Even when they're not attacking us!"

_They started it,_ the SO noted. _Other than invading OFUDisc – an organisation apparently perfectly capable of defending itself – what have Ispace done? Nothing._

"Someone must have reported the rumours to you," Penny disagreed. "Several agent teams have been accosted by strangers who forced them away from their targets-"

_Goodness, Mary-Sue sympathisers trying to stop the PPC? You'd think there was some sort of League of Mary-Sue Factories out there or something._ The Sunflower Official rustled his petals and turned his bloom towards Penny. _No. If and when you find evidence – _evidence_, mark you, not vague accusations, theories and hyperbole – that Ispace are aiding Mary-Sues or otherwise causing damage to the Plot Continuum on anything like the scale of the League – root and branch, if you can prove they're causing _any_ harm to the Plot Continuum – then you may be authorised to go after them. Until that time, Assassin, please leave. I have a Board meeting soon – in a day or so._

Penny fumed as she marched down the corridor to her not-a-Response-Centre-you're-a-consultant-not-an-agent. She threw the door open, stalked inside, reached back to slam it closed – and paused. Her brow furrowed, and she drummed her fingers on the grey-painted wood.

Finally, a smile crept across her face. "Proof, huh?" she murmured. "I think I know just who to talk to…"

* * *

"But you still _know_ people, right?"

Estelnar shook her head and took a sip of her drink, then grimaced. "Ugh. Next time, we meet at Rudi's." She put the glass down on the cafeteria table. "The fact is, we didn't really talk to many people when we made the Multiverse Monitor. It… wasn't that sort of paper."

Penny scowled. "I should have known it was too easy," she muttered. "Well, thanks for your time – sorry about the drink-"

"You know," Estelnar cut in, "it might help if you told me what you actually want to know…"

Penny frowned. "But you just said – you don't publish your paper anymore, so you can't put a notice in…"

"But on the other hand," Estelnar said reasonably, "not telling me would be a crime against curiosity."

"… fair enough."

Estelnar stared at Penny for long moments after the latter finished her tale. "Is that all?"

"_All_?" Penny repeated. "They abducted my friend – attacked an OFU – tried to kill _me_, it's only that overpowered Administrator's reflexes that teleported us away in time-"

"Oh, yes, I'm not arguing _that_ isn't serious," Estelnar clarified. "But what you want to know – easy."

"I think you're exaggerating."

"That's because you don't spend enough time in the Cafeteria," Estelnar told her, standing up and looking around. "Let's see… ah, yes." She waved her hands over her head and raised her voice. "Kayleigh!"

A brown-haired woman practically leapt from her seat and scampered over. Penny could tell it was a scamper – mostly because the woman was chanting 'scamper-scamper-scamper' as she came.

"Hi there!" the woman called, jumping up onto a vacant chair and beaming down at Penny and Estelnar. "Speak my name and I doth come. And you only need to say it once – what a bargain, eh? Stroke." She suited action to words by running a hand down the back of the white cat in her arms.

"Hi," Estelnar said. "I, uh… okay, I'll bite."

"Oh, please don't!" Kayleigh exclaimed. "You'll scare Aunt Sam!"

"… not literally," Estelnar clarified. "But… okay, who let you have a cat?"

"She isn't a _cat_," Kayleigh protested, clutching the not-cat close. "She is a mini-Mogget who I have adopted from some very nice-slash-horrid-slash-indifferent people! Glower."

"Is there a point to any of this?" Penny asked. "Only I have to go and start knocking on doors…"

"No, you don't." Estelnar turned back to Kayleigh. "So, we hear a sinister organisation known as Ispace is out to destroy the PPC," she said conversationally. "Any truth in that?"

"Gasp!" Kayleigh gasped. "The _whole_ PPC? Not just a tiny little bit like the Department of Out-of-Character Hobbits?"

"All of it," Penny confirmed. "Why? Have you heard something?"

"Not yet!" Kayleigh admitted cheerfully. "But I needed to know what to ask. Ooh! I recognise him!" And she stepped off the chair and darted off into the crowd, still cradling Aunt Sam.

"Kayleigh is one of HQ's biggest conspiracy nuts," Estelnar explained to Penny's stare. "If anyone runs into these Ispace types and comes away with proof, she'll learn about it."

"And will she tell us?" Penny asked. "Or will she use the information to make HQ's largest flower arrangement?"

Estelnar considered this image. "Well, you know," she said at last, "there are some very information-rich flower arrangements out there…"

* * *

**Disclaimer:** All references to canons belong to their respective creators. The PPC is the creation of Jay and Acacia. The various agents in this chapter are mine (now). The story and all errors in it are my own.

**Author's Note:** I told you the PPC was in it. ;) Since a few people have expressed confusion as to what's going on, a summary of _OFUDisc_ has been appended to the previous chapter.

**The PPC:** The Protectors of the Plot Continuum defend the Word Worlds from the scourge of bad fanfiction. From their trans-dimensional Headquarters, the giant sentient Flowers who lead them send out Assassins, Untanglers, Slashers, and all manner of agents.


	3. Prologue: Ispace

The door clicked closed as Liliac placed the tray of food on the small table. "And how are you today?" she asked conversationally.

Phoebe stared out of the window, but Liliac doubted she was even seeing the sweeping heights of the Misty Mountains, the tangled forest about their feet.

"Some of my operatives ran into agents of the PPC today," Liliac went on. "Apparently they'd both gone after the same elf-lusting Sue. And of course the Protectors attacked – what would you expect of people who call themselves Assassins?"

Nothing from Phoebe.

Liliac shrugged. "My girls drove them off and finished the Sue," she went on. "Shows the value of superior training – or, ha, any training. Of course, the Mary-Sue Academy has asked us not to kill them any more. They say they want to 'redeem' the Sues - and since we're not bloodthirsty maniacs, we'll actually do it, too."

"GO AWAY."

Liliac actually took three steps towards the door before she caught herself. "So you _can_ still talk," she observed. "Have you thought any further about my offer?"

Silence.

Liliac sighed. "Phoebe, you know me. I'm not the villain of this story. You're my friend, and I-"

"We are _not_ friends!" Phoebe snapped. "You tricked me – _lied_ to me – kidnapped me – killed all those people! You're a _monster_!"

"And you're not thinking straight," Liliac said coldly. "Killed them? Even if I could get past Huinesoron's defences – the Administrator's, I mean – they were _fangirls_. Have you forgotten who you are?"

"You still _tried_!" Phoebe snarled. "I want nothing to do with you."

"You don't have a choice," Liliac informed her. "Phoebe, we only want what's best for you."

"Then LET ME GO."

This time Liliac didn't even twitch. "No can do," she said. "You're in protective custody, like the other elves in the Mountain-"

"There are no other elves!" Phoebe snapped, her 'Token Elf' instincts coming to the fore.

"- and that means you _stay_ in the Mountain." Liliac rubbed her eyes and gestured at the leaflets on the table. "You _could_ be doing something productive, you know. We've got a lot of positions open – if you'd just take a look-"

"Why can't you just send me _home_?" Phoebe demanded. "Then I wouldn't _be_ an elf any more – problem solved."

"We don't know that," Liliac countered. "I'm still tangled up with my younger self, and I _am_ home. Why should you be any different?"

But Phoebe's gaze had returned to the window, to the breathtaking landscapes of Middle-earth. Liliac sighed, picked up the remains of the previous meal, and left her friend to her thoughts.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** All references to canons belong to their respective creators. Phoebe and Liliac are based on concepts submitted to OFUDisc. Ispace is my own creation. All details of the plot are my own.

**Author's Note:** And we meet the hero of the piece. Or the villain. How you categorise Liliac depends on your point of view. It'll be interesting to see how she turns out. Now, since we're still in the Prologues, how about a recap on Ispace?

**Ispace: **The Interdimensional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves has been around nearly a decade. Founded by Glorfindel to defend Middle-earth's elves from fangirls, its goals have shifted since Liliac (former Head of Assignments) took over. It now defends _all_ elves, anywhere in the Multiverse - and from _anything_. While there are exceptions and allowances made - the Nearest And Dearest Exception being one of the most used - and they are not large enough to be everywhere, Ispace Rule One is unambiguous and stern. If you harm an elf, they're coming to get you.

Recently, Ispace has begun an offensive against the other trans-dimensional organisations. Liliac personally infiltrated OFUDisc, befriending Phoebe, who - due to her application form being creatively misinterpreted - was a 'Token' (not 'Tolkien') Elf. Phoebe was also made Death of Fangirls - and when Liliac abducted her in the course of Ispace's assault on the OFU, she retained her powers. Of course, they only activate when a fangirl is killed...


	4. Prologue: The Ladies' Academy

"… can't believe they're _still_ using our name!"

"I, like, totally agree!" exclaimed Princess Silverlocks III. "I mean, are they even _half_ as stunning as me? They're _totally_ not Mary-Sues!"

Giritinuvielwen, headmistress of the Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment, frowned slightly. The problem with running a school for Mary-Sues, she reflected, is that if you do your job properly, they come out thicker than two short planks.

"They apparently think Mary-Sues are a bad thing," she pointed out to Silverlocks. "The so-called 'Redemptionist' Academy is dedicated to taking our Mary-Sues and _undoing_ our hard work."

"That's just silly!" Silverlocks declared, tossing her golden tresses (she usually dyed them before working a story, to make them match her name). "Why would anyone want to take someone as, like, smart, beautiful, funny and perfect as me and change me _back_ to how I used to be?"

Which was a mousy-haired fast food saleswoman named Stephanie, as Giritinuvielwen recalled. It was a good question, too – what was _wrong_ with making girls into images of perfection and letting them live out their fantasies?

"Apparently they think we're underdeveloped," a dry voice declared. "They call us 'one-dimensional' and 'paper cutouts'." Ravonia Darkmoor sniffed. "I find it rather offensive – but that's all part of the unbearable darkness that is life, I suppose."

"Well, what's _wrong_ with being 'one-dimensional'?" asked a voice which could have appeared in the dictionary under 'sultry'. (Did they put samples in dictionaries? Giritinuvielwen wasn't sure, but she'd seen something similar once…) Marchessa, perched on the edge of a table, crossed her legs in a way that would have caused men to swoon (but of course had no effect on her fellow Mary-Sues – that would be icky). "Provided you choose the right dimension, of course…"

"She's right," growled Celia Bloodgage (who had once, Giritinuvielwen recalled, been a mild-mannered chemical engineer called Jess), picking her teeth with a dagger. "Of course," she rumbled, "Marchessa picked the wrong dime… whatever."

"Well, _duh_," exclaimed Silverlocks. "Obvs the best dime-thingy is… er… whatever mine is!"

"I wrote a poem about being one-dimensional," Ravonia put in. "It unveiled the inexpressible anguish of my soil."

"I killed a Goth once," Celia grunted. "I think she was a Slytherin Hermione. Her blood was black."

"Mine is red," Ravonia declared. "Crimson as the rose petals as it drips from my wrists…"

Giritinuvielwen glanced at Ravonia's arms (or what could be seen of them between black lace gloves and black lace cuffs). They were completely unblemished – which was a testament to the skill of the Academy's medical team; Ravonia had suffered more plot-driven deaths than the rest of the faculty combined. It was fortunate for the Angst School that nothing in her own fic could really kill a Mary-Sue… and unfortunate for everyone that the same didn't apply to meddlers like the PPC and Ispace.

As if summoned by Giritinuvielwen's thought, Magiseer Karisana Villada appeared in a flash of crystal light. Giritinuvielwen straightened in alarm – Karisana's _hair_ was messy! She drew breath to deliver a well-deserved scolding – the Ladies' Academy had to maintain its standards – but then Karisana's words reached her ears:

"The PPC and Ispace are at war! I was monitoring Dazarie's graduation story when the PPC came in to kill her – but then Ispace showed up and _saved_ her! They said she was an elf before she was a Sue – and they drove the Protectors away!"

"Awesome!" squealed Silverlocks, bouncing in her chair. "Ispace are on our side now!"

"Well… no," Karisana admitted. "After they kicked the Assassins out, the Ispace team took a look at Dazarie's story – and then _they_ killed her."

"No!" Marchessa burst into crystal tears. "What wanton cruelty is this? All that sweet girl was doing was giving Drizzt a little love in his life! Well, him and Dinin… and Vhaeraun…"

"They said she was doing more harm than good," Karisana revealed. "What does that even _mean_?"

Giritinuvielwen got to her feet. "It means we have an unparalleled opportunity."

There was a pause as the Sues digested this. Then Silverlocks raised a hand. "Um, I don't think it does, actually…"

Giritinuvielwen ignored her. "We've never been able to take on Ispace: not after they corrupted the original Academy, not after they tempted the 'Redemptionists' away from us. But if they're now distracted, we can strike back!" All around her were impressively blank faces – they would have earned at least an A+ in Silverlocks' 'No-one Likes A Thinky-Sue' class. Giritinuvielwen forged on.

"If Ispace are now focussed on the PPC, we can slip a Mary-Sue into their mountain and take over their base. No-one can stand up to a fully-trained Mary-Sue _written into_ their world – especially if she's an elf…"

The silence was almost deafening as the Mary-Sues absorbed this. Finally, one of them got to her feet.

"I will take the fic," Princess Silverlocks III said tentatively, "though… I do not know the plot."

Celia Bloodgage stood, armour gliding silently over her tanned skin as she drew her sword. "Your task will go easier if others are out in the Word Worlds to draw their attention," she declared. "You have my sword."

Marchessa dropped seductively to the floor. "And my luscious curves!"

"And my magickck!" Magiseer Karisana Villada cried, raising her staff and letting a shower of silver stars fall down on the assembled Mary-Sues.

Ravonia Darkmoor sighed and got to her feet. "If it is the will of the faculty," she intoned, "then the Goths will see it done – even though it will doubtless end in the same bleak despair as all life."

Giritinuvielwen looked at her teachers one by one. "So be it," she declared firmly. "Five companions. You shall be the fellowship of… the… Mary-Sues who… are fighting against Ispace and the PPC and… er…" She flapped a hand dismissively. "Just go!"

* * *

**Disclaimer:** All references to canons belong to their respective creators. The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. Ispace is my own creation. The Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment is a spinoff of Hirilnara's _Diary of an Undercover Sue_, which in turn was a spinoff of the original _Ispace_, which was a spinoff of _Pancakes!_... it's a bit convoluted.

**Author's Note: **What, you thought we were going to do this without the participation of fangirls and Mary-Sues? The Ladies' Academy fills _both_ roles - a two for one deal! (Also, do you know how hard it is to write deliberately flat characters? Eesh)

**The Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment:** The Ladies' Academy was founded most of a decade ago - or, as they would describe it, simply continued to exist under new management and a new name, after the events which took place in the Training Academy of Mary-Sues. Their goal is simple - to take eager fangirls from the Real World, and through training and judicious enhancement, turn them into full-blown Mary-Sues. They are rather a small concern, compared to the League of Mary-Sue Factories and its associates, but (naturally) consider themselves the best.

(Eventually I'll stop having to do these 'what has gone before' synopses... like maybe next chapter?)


	5. The Ladies' Academy: Magiseer Karisana

_There is no end_

_And no beginning_

_We dare not voice_

_Our suffering_

Harry Potter snuck through the corridors of Hogwarts muttering to himself about how HerMOANY Granger was insisting she needed his help because the House Elfs she helped were being scared by something which was all very well but Harry had better things to do like the date with Ginny he'd turned down to come and help HerMOANY.

_It is not fair_

_How rough things are_

_We can't be happy_

_Not so far_

When Harry reached the basement where HerMOANY was supposed to be waiting for him she wasn't there which wasn't a surprise because she was never where she was supposed to be although she usually sent a message and just as he thought that he saw a woman standing by the wall and said 'Who are you?'

_It is quite rubbish_

_Being sad_

_I really feel_

_Pretty bad_

'I am Karisana Villada,' the woman told him, 'and I am called the Magiseer which is a special title given to me by Dumbledor and also by the Ministry of Magic which means I am the most powerful wizard in the world though really I'm not that good and it was just a fluke which they thought was me being powerful which might be because Dumbledore is secretly in love with me.'

_I wish to not be_

_Feeling rotten_

_Down in the dungeon_

_All forgotten_

'Oh well then it is nice to meet you,' said Harry, 'and also are you here because HerMOANY sent you because I was expecting to see her to help her with the House Elfs who are being scared by something but she is not here and you are which means she probably sent you.'

_Oh can it be_

_That my life sucks_

_When I would rather_

_That it rocked_

'Actually it was me that called you down here,' said the Magiseer, 'because your friend HerMOANY is not actually your friend and she is really not trying to help the House Elfs she is trying to train them into an unstoppable army which will conquer Hogwarts and make the humans serve them which would be pretty terrible really because everyone knows House Elfs wouldn't be able to stand up to Voldemort when he comes back.'

_Help me please_

_To feel a bit better_

_Because I am_

_Under the weather_

'Well that makes sense,' said Harry, 'because HerMOANY is always going on about how terrible we wizards are to the House Elfs and how we ought to set them free instead of leaving them in their proper place which is clearly the better idea but HerMOANY doesn't listen when I tell her that and of course Ron is on her side because he's in love with her so there's no-one I can turn to to help me.'

_What terrible luck_

_To be caught here_

_In a place where I_

_Would rather not be_

'There is me,' said the Magiseer shortly.

_Alas and woe_

_There's no escape_

_I will be here_

_Until my grave_

'But how could you help me,' said Harry, 'except oh yes I forgot that you are the Magiseer and the most powerful wizard because I don't believe it was just luck but rather skill which is something that takes a long time to learn and means a lot only I still don't know how you can use it to stop HerMOANY from taking over Hogwarts with her army and also I don't understand why you would want to help me.'

_Oh how sad_

_My life is_

_Trapped in a cage_

_Is where I is_

'Because I love you,' said the Magiseer shortly.

_Let me out_

_Or let me in_

_Just don't keep me_

_In this bin_

'Oh,' said Harry shortly.

_Help me now_

_Or help me later_

_Just take away_

_The cheese-grater_

Then they kissed and then the Magiseer used her wand to create a wind of silver stars which led them deeper into the dungeons to where HerMOANY was training her secret army of House Elfs which saw Harry and the Magiseer and ran up to try and kill them which knocked Harry over so the Magiseer held up her want and shouted 'HOUSUS ELFUS DEADUS' and all the House Elfs fell over dead and so did HerMOANY and when they went over to her the Magiseer cast another spell saying 'DISPELLUS ILLUSIONUS' and it turned out that HerMOANY Granger was really a House Elf in disguise so then the Magiseer took Harry to the infirmary because he was unconscious and when he woke up they got married and after their wedding Dumbledor came to them and said that he understood and also that Voldemort was still out there and the Magiseer said 'I know but we can kill him using my magick' and then they thought about how to do that but that is a story for another day.

* * *

**Disclaimer:** All Harry Potter elements are the property of J.K. Rowling. This story, the 'song' in it, and the Magiseer, are entirely my own invention.

**Author's Note:** And thus, the Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment begin their attempt to distract Ispace from Princess Silverlocks III's infiltration effort. This plan can't possibly fail!


	6. OFUU: Gathering

Meduseld was dark when Dr Huinesoron pushed the door open, dark and cold – but not empty. Though the Riders of Rohan were gone – most of them to the Staff Section of OFUM – the Golden Hall was playing host to the Course Coordinators of the OFUs of the multiverse.

Miss Kat of OFUWho was fidgeting, as usual, though Dr Huinesoron doubted she'd ever occupied herself making chains out of discarded pieces of bridle before. Mr Allen and Miss Carol (IAHF and OFUH respectively) seemed moderately awestruck by the tapestries (one of which MBSFA's Mr Ben seemed to be trying to take home). Mr Marty, also of MBSFA, was glaring at the fire and shivering sporadically. And all of them, Dr Huinesoron noted with a suppressed sigh, had gotten there before him.

The door creaked as he closed it, and the Coordinators looked up (those that weren't already paying attention). "Thank you all for coming," Dr Huinesoron said. "This meeting was very short notice, and you all have things to do, so thank you for making the time."

He glanced at Miss Irene of UDEM and nodded. "I know those of you who chose not to join the Official Fanfiction University of Official Fanfiction Universities-" as always, the full name provoked chuckles from the group – "must be concerned, so I will say this out the outset: this has nothing to do with OFU-Squared. We'll do our thing, you do yours, no hard feelings."

Nods and murmurs from around the Hall. OFU2 had been controversial for a number of reasons, and several of the Coordinators still weren't back on speaking terms. Since Dr Huinesoron had been the driving force behind its establishment, he wasn't sure whether they actually believed him, but at least they were listening.

"As you may have heard," he said, pulling himself upright, "OFUDisc has been attacked. I've had to close down the university, send the students home, and take the non-canon staff into hiding."

Across the Hall, IAHF's Mr Hugh murmured something. Dr Huinesoron's ear twitched.

"I'm aware that some of you have been invaded before," he said, an edge of irritation creeping into his voice, "and I would never try to undermine that – but this is different. This isn't an invasion of fangirls, with their single-minded focus, or Sues, with their glitter-induced stupidity."

"Who is it, then?" someone asked, invisible in the shadows.

Dr Huinesoron held up the leaflet Cazzie had given him. The cover was dominated by a black circle, an elongated white 'S' cutting across it. "They call themselves Ispace," he announced. "Their self-appointed mission is to protect elves – _all_ elves, across the multiverse – from any form of harm. They will attack canon characters to protect Mary Sues. They invaded OFUDisc to 'rescue' one of our students from our 'cruelty'. They are heavily-armed, have technology I have never seen before – and they have set their sights on the Official Fanfiction Universities."

There was a long, dangerous silence. Then Mr Allen stood.

"Let them try."

Now Miss Kat was on her feet too, the brass rings she had been toying with falling from her fingers. "We cannot have another security breach," she said, seemingly to herself. "I must inform the minis to double the defences."

The fragile calm in the Golden Hall shattered, all the Coordinators talking at once. Mr Allen was glaring at his phone, trying to get a signal; Mr Marty was cursing and trying to push through to the door. Dr Huinesoron waved his hands for attention, but none was forthcoming.

Then he felt a stir in the air behind him, and a voice spoke – calm, yet cutting through the babble like razor-sharp claws. "Some quiet, if you please."

Silence fell like the Downfall of Numenor. Dr Huinesoron turned to look into the eyes of Miss Thundera Tiger, who smiled slightly and nodded towards the back of the hall. Dr Huinesoron followed her gaze, noticing for the first time the shadowy shape seated down there – not on Theoden's throne, but on a low stool beside it. He swallowed hard.

"Thank you," he said, certain that his words would be relayed. Then, again, to the whole group: "Thank you. Friends, colleagues – this is not a threat we can handle on our own. I know, I know." He held up a hand to ward off the objections he could see on various faces. "The OFUs have always been independent; that was the main argument against OFU-Squared. I'm not trying to reopen that discussion. But however independent we are as teaching establishments, we _need_ to unite our defences. Not even all the mini-Balrogs in Arda could hold off the spaceships I've seen from Ispace – and I guarentee you, OFUM will be one of their first targets. Where would you find more 'cruelty to elves' than Middle-earth?"

Despite the presence of a legendary OFUM Miss at his back, Dr Huinesoron felt the crowd's attention start to slip away again. The buzz of conversation rose, and he had to raise his voice to still be heard.

"I propose an alliance – a pooling of our strength to strike back against Ispace, wherever they may hit us. And a refuge, for when we can't hit them hard enough – which I assure you _will_ happen, however fast we move. An OFU is its staff, not its buildings; if we lose the teachers, it doesn't matter how hard we fight, we _will_ have already lost the battle." He was shouting now, straining to be heard. "_We can't take on Ispace individually! There's more strength in numbers! WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER, OR WE WILL-_"

Miss Thundera Tiger touched his shoulder. "Enough," she said, slipping her words under the racket. "They understand. They'll do what is right. Just give them time."

"But I don't know if we _have_ time."

"Neither do I."

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Middle-earth belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. The OFU concept and Miss Thundera Tiger belong to Miss Cam, and are used with permission. IAHF and MBSFA and their staff belong to Lily Winterwood, OFWho to Kittythekatty, and OFUH to Snowy the Sane Fangirl. OFUDisc and Ispace are my own, as are all plot details.

**Author's Note:** This chapter was one of the more difficult to write, because it required multiple people to make it work. While the Coordinator of every single OFU is at the meeting (or at least, was invited), the only ones I've given specific details of are the ones I've specifically requested to use - or, in the case of Miss Thundera Tiger, have been opened up for general light use by Miss Cam.


End file.
